


The Lice

by cosmic_llin



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Early Work, Gen, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-12-20
Updated: 2005-08-07
Packaged: 2017-10-30 03:56:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/327479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmic_llin/pseuds/cosmic_llin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A simple case of headlice turns nasty for SG-1...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I wrote this in '04 and just rediscovered it and thought I would put it up for posterity/lols. I don't remember much about writing it but I'm pretty sure I didn't do any research, so please accept my apologies if there is in fact a drug store within easy reach of Cheyenne Mountain that is open on Sunday evenings.
> 
> Also, I originally wrote this in two halves, I'm leaving the cliffhanger in for an authentic experience. ;)

(INT, INFIRMARY, DAY)  
  
(Janet has been examining SG-1 after their recent mission to the planet Pediculus. She has summoned General Hammond to discuss the situation with him).  
(Enter General Hammond).  
  
GH: What’s the situation, Doctor?  
  
JF: Well, sir, I’m afraid it’s serious. With the exception of Teal’c, who has no hair, all the members of SG1 have lice.  
  
(Jack jumps up).  
  
JO’N: Lice? As in, head lice?  
  
JF: I’m afraid so, sir.  
  
(General Hammond looks with concern at the members of SG-1).  
  
GH: What course of action would you recommend, Doctor?   
  
JF: Well, SG-1 have already been in contact with other base personnel – there’s no telling how far the lice have spread, sir.  
  
GH: Alright, so we’ll seal off the base until we have this contained.  
  
JF: I think I can control the outbreak, if I use some medicated shampoo, sir. However, there isn’t any on the base. Someone will have to find some.  
  
T: I will go.  
  
JO’N: Teal’c, are you sure? It would mean going to a drugstore!  
  
T: I am willing to face the challenge, O’Neill.

  
  
(INT, SGC CORRIDOR, DAY)  
(SG-1, Hammond and Janet stand by the elevator. Teal’c is wearing his green outfit.)  
  
GH: Now, Teal’c, remember, just go straight to the drugstore, and get as much medicated shampoo as you can. Here is a fifty. If it isn’t enough, tell them to charge it to the US Air Force. If there is change, you may keep it.  
  
T: Understood, sir.  
  
SC: Good luck, Teal’c.  
  
DJ: Yeah, good luck.  
  
JO’N: See ya later.  
  
(Teal’c enters the elevator and is gone).  
  


 

(INT, INFIRMARY, DAY)  
(Sam, Jack and Daniel sit together, talking. They all have plastic swimming caps on).  
  
JO’N: I hope Teal’c hurries up with that medicated shampoo. This is so embarrassing. I bet the other SG teams are having a field day.   
  
SC: Oh, sir, I’m sure they’re not. I’m sure they’re just concerned for our welfare.  
  
JO’N: I bet they’re talking about us right now. I bet they’re all saying how dirty we are, how disgusting.  
  
SC: Actually, sir, in several studies, lice have shown a marked preference for clean hair. Anybody can get them. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, sir.  
  
DJ: Wait, wait. You said they like clean hair?  
  
SC: That’s what the research says, yes.  
  
DJ: So, the lice make a choice about what kind of hair they will inhabit?  
  
SC: Um, I guess so…  
  
DJ: So isn’t that evidence of thought? Maybe we shouldn’t be trying to kill them – maybe we should be trying to communicate with them!  
  
JO’N: Here we go…  
  
SC: Daniel, they’re just lice.  
  
DJ: Yeah, and to the Goa’uld, humans were just slaves! We’re treating these lice just like the Goa’uld treated our people!  
  
JO’N: Well, I wouldn’t say that…  
  
DJ: Someone has to stand up for these beings!  
  
JO’N: (aside to Sam) And it looks like it’s going to be Daniel.  
  


 

(INT, JANET'S OFFICE, DAY)  
(Janet sits working at her computer, researching lice cures. As she types, a small creature falls onto the desk. Janet runs her fingers through her hair and finds another one.)  
  
JF: I hope Teal'c hurries with that shampoo...  
  


 

(EXT, DRUGSTORE, DAY)  
(Teal'c stands outside the drugstore. It is closed!)  
  
T: I must complete my mission...  
  
(He looks up and down the street and realises - all the shops are closed!)  
  
T: (in slow realisation) It is a Sunday...


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Teal'c complete his mission? Will Daniel become passionate about Lice Rights? Will Jack care?

(EXT, DRUGSTORE, NIGHT)  
  
(Teal’c is sitting in the doorway. He glances up at the sign. It says: ‘MONDAY – FRIDAY OPEN 8am-6pm’. Teal’c looks at his watch. It says ‘22.13’. He shrugs, and gazes into the distance).

  
  
(INFIRMARY, NIGHT)  
  
(Jack and Janet sit side by side on a bed, both wearing swimming caps. Jack swings his legs. Janet is writing something on a clipboard).  
  
JF: Where did Sam and Daniel go?  
  
JO’N: I dunno, probably off doing some geek thing. What I wanna know is, where the hell is Teal’c? He should have been back hours ago!  
  
JF: I know, I’m getting worried too… wait a second…  
  
JO’N: What? What?  
  
JF: It’s Sunday! There won’t be a drugstore open!  
  
JO’N: (smacks forehead) Of course! Stupid!  
  
JF: Gosh, I hope Teal’c is ok…  
  
JO’N: Nah, he’ll be alright.  
  
JF: I hope you're right.

  
  
(DRUGSTORE, DAY)  
  
(Teal’c browses through a shelf of shampoo. His expression is bemused. A young shopgirl, MINDY, approaches).  
  
M: Can I help you?  
  
T: I am seeking a shampoo for the treatment of head lice.  
  
M: Well, sure, we’ve got plenty! (She begins to pick up bottles and arrange them on the counter). Would you like Medicated, Super-Medicated, Sensitive, Super-Sensitive, Scented, Unscented, Super-Scented, Super-Medicated-Sensitive, Junior, Junior-Sensitive, Junior-Super-Medicated, Sensitive Plus…  
  
T: I am… uncertain…  
  
(Mindy snaps her gum and stares at him as he contemplates the row of bottles).  
  


 

(INFIRMARY, DAY)  
  
(Jack lies on one of the beds, gazing at the ceiling. Janet watches as Sam and Daniel work on a piece of machinery, with complicated wires and glowy bits. All are wearing swimming caps. Daniel’s has several holes punched in it).  
  
SC: With the translation matrix Daniel has worked out, we should be able to use this device to communicate with the lice.  
  
JF: So how does it work, exactly?  
  
SC: Well, using the neural scans we did of that really big louse from the Colonel, we were able to figure out the basics of how they communicate. What this device does is translates our speech into the almost inaudible squeakings of the lice, and renders it comprehensible to them, who are obviously too small to hear ordinary human speech except as a low booming sound. Then we attach this bit to my head, and the lice can talk back to us. (She demonstrates, sticking a wire under her swimming cap).  
  
JO’N: (Without looking over) Not gonna work, not gonna work…  
  
DJ: Jack, don’t you even care that we’re about to make contact with a new species?  
  
JO’N: Nope. Not when the species is lice. Sheesh.  
  
(Ignoring him, Daniel flicks a few switches, and holds a microphone to his mouth).  
  
DJ: Hello? Can you understand me? We mean you no harm; we are peaceful explorers.  
  
(A high-pitched, scrapey voice issues from the speaker on the box).  
  
LICE: Eat the fleshy bipeds! Chew on the delectable skin of their scalps!  
  
(Sam looks uncomfortable).  
  
DJ: Um, I think our species can work together to come to an understanding which is mutually beneficial and…  
  
LICE: Submit, puny bipeds! You cannot escape us! We will feast on you for generations to come!  
  
(Sam grabs the microphone from Daniel).  
  
SC: Not in my hair, you won’t, you little bastards!  
  
LICE: KILL!!!  
  
(Sam starts scratching as the lice chew her scalp with renewed fervour. Jack rises from his bed and takes the microphone).  
  
JO’N: Leave her alone, you freaks!  
  
SC: (scratching) Sir, please, you’ll just make them worse… Oh, it really hurts…  
  
(Janet grabs a trolley full of medical stuff, Jack and Daniel look on, helpless, as the lice try to chew through to Sam’s skull).  
  


 

(DRUGSTORE, DAY)  
  
(As before, Teal’c is looking at the row of shampoos, with a deep frown. Suddenly, an idea begins to form, and he smiles).  
  
T: Which one do you believe to be most effective?  
  
M: Well, it all depends on what you want, I mean some of them are better for sensitive skin, others have a pleasant fragrance…  
  
T: Which can be most relied upon to completely eradicate lead lice?  
  
M: Well, that would be this one right here.  
  
T: I will take your entire stock.  
  


 

(EXT, SGC, DAY)  
  
(Teal’c marches up to the entrance. He is eating an ice lolly and swinging a large carrier bag. General Hammond meets him).  
  
GH: Was the mission a success, Teal’c?  
  
T: Indeed.  
  
GH: Good, we have to hurry.  
  


 

(INFIRMARY, DAY)  
  
(Sam is lying unconscious in one of the beds. Daniel is sitting on another, staring morosely at the translation device. Jack is hovering. Janet is marking things on a clipboard. General Hammond and Teal’c enter).  
  
GH: Doctor?  
  
JF: They aren’t letting up; I’ve had to sedate her. I think they really want to eat her entire head. Did you get the shampoo?  
  
T: I did.  
  
JF: Thank God. Someone fetch me a basin of warm water, quickly.  
  
(Janet takes the bag from Teal’c and takes a bottle out to read the instructions as Jack hurries to fetch a basin).  
  


 

(COMMISSARY, DAY)  
  
(Jack, Sam, Daniel, Teal’c, Janet and General Hammond all sit around a table, eating lunch. Sam is eating blue jello. All of their hair looks glossy and healthy. Except for the General and Teal’c, who don’t have any).  
  
SC: Boy am I glad that’s over.  
  
JO’N: Me too. That was the stupidest thing that ever happened to us.  
  
DJ: I still think if we’d managed to establish a dialogue, we could have…  
  
SC: They tried to kill me!  
  
DJ: Yes, but only because that was their way of life! If we could have befriended them, maybe…  
  
JO’N: Shut up, Daniel.  
  
(Daniel glares at his slice of chocolate cake. The others grin at one another).  
  
JF: Just another day at the SGC…


End file.
